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henrika_amanda @ 02:41 am: Game 2 - The Kangaroo

Game 2 - The Kangaroo

Fandom: Underworld

Theme: Comedy/Parody

Subject: A kangaroo

Rating: R for sexual situations and crude humour

Summary: Something large an mysterious is spotted outside the Ordoghaz gates, and mayhem ensues when Kraven is sent out to investigate it...

Henrikas's thoughts: The second game pretty much continued in the spirit of the first one, and some pretty outrageous content can be found here too. Not until game 3 did we pull ourselves together for something a bit more... serious :)

It was Christmas Day at Ordoghaz, and as soon as soon as the sun had set, the attending guard noticed that someone had left a huge, 7-foot kangaroo-like plushie behind the gates...

 

Once again, due to some tricky promising of favors, Viktor sent Mason out to invesitage the object. Mason proceeded to inspect the object and found it was indeed a 7 foot kangaroo plushie. Finding a button it's chest, he pressed it.

 

Immediately the plushie "came to life" and punched Mason in the face with the strength of a hybrid on crack.  Running back in and holding a now black eye, Mason cried out, "It's dangerous!" Kahn, in disbelief, went outside to inspect it himself, deciding it looked rather innocent and cute. Finding the same button in the huge plushie's chest, Kahn pressed it, and met the same fate as Mason before him. Before passing out, the weapons master had one thought in his mind. "The rumour about boxing kangaroos is really true..."

 

Viktor, standing at the window, saw this event take place and stared at the plush monstrosity. "Someone get down there and shoot it!" He cried out. However, when he turned to look out the window again, the kangaroo had vanished.

 

Kraven, seeing it as an opportunity to prove his worth, went outside to find the missing, mysterious plushie kangaroo. Plushies did not go away by themselves, and one did not simply make a 7-foot one disappear. Still within the perimeter, Kraven saw the kangaroo plushie's tale stick out from behind a tree...

 

"Now I have you!" He shouted triumphantly and lunged for it. A familiar voice interrupted the victory party going on inside his head:

 

"OW! What the hell?!"

 

Kraven couldn't believe it! Here he thought having lunged for a giant kangaroo plushie, and instead he was rolling around in four inches of snow with... Lucian??

 

"What are YOU doing here??" Kraven demanded.

 

"What are YOU doing here??" Lucian returned.

 

The following two minutes involved the two immortals arguing about who should answer whose question first.

 

"I live here!" Kraven shouted finally to stop the silly argument. "You do NOT, however! Let's just cut the bullshit, Lucian. You think you're being so funny, don't you? What did you do with the kangaroo?"

 

Lucian blinked twice at the question. "You saw it too?" He whispered.

 

Suddenly the wretched creature leapt from the nearby bushes and flew over their heads.

 

"OHMIGOD THERE IT IS!!" Kraven screamed. "Let's get it!"

 

In his fervour to get the kangaroo plushie, Kraven knocked Lucian into the snow once more, and even stomped on his head. Growling and muttering curses to himself, the Lycan leader stood up and brushed the snow from his clothing. He looked around for Kraven and discovered the vampire's body, lying in a heap a small distance away...

 

"Little buddy!" he yelled. Realizing what he said, he looked around to make sure no one was present who could have heard him. Then, he ran over to Kraven's motionless form and shook him awake. One of the vampire's eyes was already bruised and swollen shut.

 

"Did he punch you?" Lucian inquired.

 

"No!" Kraven whimpered. "He... he... he threw a rock at me!"

 

"Awwwww... Poor baby..." Lucian cooed and cradled Kraven close to himself. "What are you doing out here in the first place? This is much too dangerous an environment for a vampire such as yourself... Oh, wait, don't say you're trying to impress Viktor again?" The Lycan rolled his eyes. "You need to learn..." He didn't make it further, because suddenly a whole army of Death Dealers surrounded them.

 

"What is HE doing here?!" Selene demanded. "And what are YOU doing with him?!"

 

Kraven was dumstruck and had no words to explain. "We're just looking for the kangaroo!" He finally said. None of the Deathdealers believed him, as the only vampires who knew were either knocked out or had locked themselves inside the mansion.

 

It was then that a scream pierced the night sky.

 

Everyone's attention was directed at the piercing scream from somewhere nearby, and Lucian took the opportunity to escape, dragging a baffled Kraven with him. He wanted to solve this mystery as much as everyone else, and he figured Kraven could be handy.  Not much time passed before they found out what had caused the scream...

 

Looking upward, the two immortals discovered Viktor hanging from his bedroom window, in nothing but a pair of speedos. The kangaroo was busy hanging onto his ankles and swinging, trying to make the Elder lose his grip.

 

"Hold on, My Lord, I'm coming!!" Kraven yelled, intending to reach Viktor with five long strides and finally prove himself to the Elder, but he did not get anywhere before Lucian grabbed him by the neck. "Kraven, you dumbass! This is your chance to get rid of the old bastard. Someone's even doing the work for you!"

 

Kraven stared at Lucian in horror for a moment and finally said... "Okay." So, the two of them sat down on the lawn and watched as Viktor held on frantically for his life, cursing and yelling for help. They were enjoying the entertainment when an arrow flew through the sky and hit the kangaroo, knocking him off the elder and sending him crashing to the ground.

 

Viktor, having fought for his dear life for minutes, had pretty much given up hope when the weight trying to pull him down suddenly dropped. However, Viktor's fingers had frozen in the cold outside air during the time, and he lost his grip on the window sill and fell down right onto the creature which had tried to drag him down seconds before...

Kraven stared at the sight of a vampire elder and a giant plush kangaroo, both unconscious on the ground. Behind them they heard another familiar voice shout out, "YES! Two in one try!" Turning around, they saw Singe standing on a hill, crossbow in hand, the other hand pumping the air.

 

Lucian couldn't believe it! Singe was responsible for this??

 

"Singe, you fucking bastard!" Lucian cried out, tears spurting from his eyes. "I can't believe it! And I thought you spent all that time in the lab preparing a Christmas prezzie for me! And all the while you were creating... THAT?!"

 

Singe shrugged when Lucian was finished yelling. "I ran out of inflatable snowmen on people's front yards to shoot at."

 

Lucian turned away. "I don't give a rat's ass! I thought you cared about me! I thought you were making something for me!"

 

Kraven stared at the argument, slowly realizing they must have been fucking on the side. Slowly, he turned and snuck towards the pile of vampire and kangaroo.

 

Viktor was still unconscious, which was good. Kraven realized that Lucian's earlier words made sense: now was the perfect opportunity to get rid of the annoying Elder. Pulling the arrow out of the frightening plushie kangaroo, Kraven raised it with the intent of burying it in the unconscious Viktor's heart.

 

Before he could go any further, however, a few sparks flew to the right of him. He turned... and a rock hit him in the face! The kangaroo had come back to life! Giving a tiny squeak and holding his other eye, he ran in the direction of the two lycans who were arguing like an old married couple. "Run!" he shouted.

 

Viktor slowly opened his eyes with a groan and saw a trio of people running from an angry 7-foot plushie kangaroo. "Hey... come back!" he weakly called after them. Then he discovered he was lying naked in the snow. Well, he'd been wearing a pair of speedos when he fell, but the pair was now hanging from an icicle by his window. "Ahh, damn..."

 

Unfortunately for our heroes, they were running towards a small hillock. By the time they looked ahead and saw it, they were too late. They ran over the hillock and fell into a freezing pond. The kangaroo was next to follow.

 

Lucian, Kraven, and Singe were fighting for their lives in the icy water, desperately trying to make it to the surface. The kangaroo fell too, but since it was lighter than the three, it did not break the ice.

 

"From the depths of hell, I stabbeth thee!" Singe roared as he climbed to the edge of the broken ice, and he fired another arrow at the plush monstrosity. Meanwhile, Viktor was running around with his waist covered in a bush. The plant kind of bush, not the sexual kind...

 

But the kangaroo's processor was a learning one, and this time it had the wits to duck Singe's arrow! Smirking at the three souls trapped in the icy pond, it threw another rock through the hole in the ice.

 

"Is anyone out here??" Viktor called out as he wandered the grounds. Too busy in calling out for assistance, he too fell off the hillock, but his landing was broken by something soft.

 

Seemingly from nowhere, a naked Viktor came crashing down atop the evil kangaroo. This was enough to off balance the monstrosity, and they both fell on the ice, which creaked sinisterly. Singe, sticking his head up in a final attempt to save the world - and himself - from the plague he'd unleashed upon it, cried out: "Push the button on its chest! It is the ONLY way!"

 

Poor Singe could hardly speak as he and the others were slowly freezing to death. Viktor turned to look at his confusedly. "You want me to do WHAT while playing chess?" Deciding to ignore the silly lycan, he saw a button on the kangaroo's front and pushed it. Promptly, the kangaroo punched... right through the ice.

 

The punch was enough to make the ice crack, and a second hole formed in the pond. Viktor tried his best to avoid it, but he'd lost feeling in his feet and no longer could tell the difference between liquid and solid water. So off he went, disappearing beneath the surface like the other three before him. "Ahhhh... my poor balls are freezing!" he cried out.

 

Finally, Lucian grabbed the crossbow from Singe and attached a rope to it. No one else took the time to wonder where the rope came from, as he tied it to an arrow and shot at a nearby tree, hoisting all of them out of the water. Kraven was practically a vampi-cicle by the time they got out.

 

The kangaroo was lying motionless on the ice by the time the trio had gotten up, no longer punching or throwing rocks. It would take a loooong time before any brave soul would find the courage to venture near it again. Lucian, Singe, and vampi-cicle Kraven, who walked even more stiffly than before now, were relieved to have survived the trauma.

 

"Let's have something warm to drink!" Lucian said.

 

After they left, five minutes of absolute silence passed at the pond. But then, the icy surface burst open and water rushed upward as a figure went flying up from the pond. Viktor landed on the hill, still in the buff, but jumping around.

 

"AAAAGHHHHH!!" he screamed. "THAT'S FUCKING COLD!"

 

Kraven invited the two Lycans into Ordoghaz and had a servant supply them all with warm blankets, change of clothing, and nice hot cups of tea. The trio talked cheerfully and agreed that this would be a tale to tell the grandchildren - in case they ever had any. Then suddenly Lucian had a weird look in his eyes. "Hey... do you guys know what happened to Viktor?"

 

Appropriately enough, the doors swung open with a bang and in ran Viktor, still naked and wet, but now holding the torn remains of a plush killer kangaroo. Singe snapped his fingers at the prospect of no longer having something for target practice.

 

"Ehhh, Viktor..." Kraven carefully said as he watched the naked, wet, and very pissed off Elder. "Has your dick grown longer, or is that an icicle...?"

 

"I don't know, let's test it by fucking you!" He shouted and ran after the now terrified Kraven. Meanwhile, as the two lycans watched the melee, Lucian suddenly turned and looked at Singe.

 

"I can't believe you!" He started. "Why didn't you ever get me something for Christmas?!"

 

Singe lowered his eyes. "Who says I didn't...?" he said timidly. "Lucian, dear... Where I come from, we don't give each other presents until the evening. It's an Austrian thing..."

 

The bearded lycan rolled his eyes. "Figures..." He then realized. "Hey, it's evening now! Past evening! What did you get me?" He bounced on the couch. "Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

 

"Not so fast..." Singe smirked at the over-eager, bouncy Lycan leader. "I don't have it here, anyway. You'll have to come back to the lair with me, and I'll show you. But I promise you... you're gonna love it!" He batted his eyelashes at Lucian and seductively licked his upper lip. At the same moment Kraven, now with Viktor's icicle-enhanced dick buried in his ass, crashed onto the floor ahead of them.

 

"Oh check it out," Lucian remarked. "Vamp-cicle on a stick."

 

Kraven now knew that the end of Viktor's dick really was an icicle, and it was melting inside of him, causing his bowels to cramp. "Ohh, shit...! Viktor, you just gave me an enema...!"

 

Singe and Lucian covered their eyes and they both cursed in disgust at the spectacle which unfolded and thankfully they only heard. Later that night, Singe had Lucian blindfolded as he lead him back to his room.

 

"All right, now." Lucian heard Singe announce and he removed the blindfold.

 

Lucian was full of expectation and thrill. What had Singe gotten him? He couldn't wait to find out!

"Voila!" the Austrian scientist whistled and finally removed the blindfold. And before him... was a 7-FOOT SINGE PLUSHIE!!

 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

 

Singe backed away cautiously as Lucian screamed. Apparently this wasn't what the leader had in mind. "I... I got a "real Doll" for you. I told them to make it look like Klaus Kinski and then I put my clothes on it. It thought you'd like it..." And then he took off, fearful of what might happen. Once the shock wore off, Lucian stared at the plushie and got an idea.

 

"I think I'll use you" he pointed at the doll, "for target practice".

 

The End



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