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pilar_sama @ 11:59 am: Episode 1 - The Phantom Penis
I couldn't resist that entry subject. Sorry.

Game 1 – The Vibrator


Fandom: Underworld

Theme: Comedy

Subject: A glowing vibrator


Summary: It’s thrills, chills, and bad indigestion for Kraven when the power goes out and he discovers one of Viktor’s very personal possessions.

Rating: R for sexual situations and crude humor

Bloodylocks’ Thoughts: I’d like to thank myself for such a successful first game… no, not really. This being our first ever game, it was full of a lot of random experimenting and attempts from me to get some outrageous content in. Not AS outrageous as the other games we eventually did, but hey. It was great to start with a comedy.

        One evening, the power went out at the Orgodaz, and Kraven was on his way to Viktor's chamber. Shuffling around in the dark hallways, he suddenly tripped on something and fell on his face. And to his horror, one of his fangs had broken.

        Holding his mouth and cursing, he looked around for the source of his trouble and found a long thin, glowing object

        "Hey, what is this...?" he thought and cautiously picked up said object and eyed it suspiciously. Upon closer inspection the object began to jiggle in his hands and Kraven promptly screamed, dropping the thing.

        The screams woke up Selene, whose chamber was just around the corner from where Kraven stood. Selene, greatly irritated by the noise which woke her, charged out of her room, kicking the first thing she saw, figuring this was the source of the noise.

        Kraven's screams were muffled by a large, black boot which slammed into his face, breaking two more of his teeth, and he fell backward onto his rump. The thing on the floor, however, refused to end its motions and went jiggling in Kraven's direction, prompting him to cry out and lunge for the thing closest to him. Kraven ended up hugging two solid legs which seemed to belong to a humanoid. Blood spurting from his mouth, he managed to rasp "Aliens are attacking us!" as the long, glowing object kept advancing accompanied by a humming noise.

        Rolling her eyes, Selene proceeded to approach the object without worry; all the while Kraven yelled at it "Stay away from us, you... you THING, you!!"

        "Here is your "alien", you big baby!" Selene snapped and shoved the luminous object straight into Kraven's bawling mouth.

        At first Kraven was surprised, but then decided he liked the feel of the alien creature in his mouth. Suddenly, another door down the hall opened and a head poked out, shouting, "what's all that racket!?"

        It was...

        Viktor! The shouts and screams from down the hall had disturbed the Elder, who'd been peacefully asleep until then. Earlier that night, however, someone had apparently stolen his brand new Christmas gift: a luminous, animatronic vibrator which guaranteed satisfaction. This had been the perfect night to try it... however, his plans to use it were interrupted by the fact that he was distracted by a bird in the kitchen. By the time he returned to use it, the vibrator was GONE!

        Viktor could not believe his eyes when he saw something long, luminous and humming seemingly float by itself in the air. He could also hear distinctly slurping, pleasurable sounds coming from the same direction... Like a madman, he unleashed a horrific roar and stormed down the hallway. Grabbing the vibrator, he became engaged in an epic tug of war with whatever had such a strong hold on his beloved present.

        Kraven bit down with all of his remaining strength when some unseen force grabbed the other end of the alien object and tried to yank it out of his mouth.

Selene, trying to make herself useful, ran back into her room. Two seconds later, she came running back out in a referee's uniform, jumping back and forth between the two and blowing a whistle.

        Still struggling with the unknown attacker about the pleasurable alien object, Kraven jumped three feet when a sudden, sharp noise was unleashed right behind his ear! The shock caused him to suck more than was necessary and he happened to swallow the luminous alien object...


        Thirty minutes later, Kraven was down in the infirmary, Viktor and Selene in tow, while Selene was laughing her ass off. Kraven couldn't help but shake, as the vibrator was still on and functional inside his stomach.

        Viktor shook his head sternly. He could not fathom what could have made Kraven swallow his vibrator, but they had a situation, and solving it would need creative minds.

        "Now, Kraven..." Viktor placed his hand Kraven's bobbing stomach. "Would you rather have surgery..." He picked up a long sharp scalpel. "... or would you rather wait for it to come out the "natural" way?"

        "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!" Kraven screamed, as either option terrified him. Grabbing his missing teeth and shoving them back in his mouth, he ran from the room and jumped out the nearby window. Viktor proceeded to give a frustrated sigh.

        Out on the streets, Kraven ran into Lucian. Lucian stared at him for a moment and, realizing what was going on, began to laugh. The Lycan leader well recognized the sound of the present he'd given to Viktor only two days ago. How it had ended up in Kraven's stomach was another story.

        "What happened, Kraven?" he inquired. "I've told Viktor not to let you play with his things!"

        Surprisingly, this sort of thing had never happened to Kraven before. Yes, he had mishaps with toys before countless times, but this was the first time he'd ever swallowed one. So, Kraven started to cry. Lucian nervously looked around, as he was embarrassed to have anyone see what was going on.

Lucian took the sobbing vampire by the shoulders and led him into the nearest ally. Then he picked up his cell phone and spoke a few quick words into it.

        "Raze is on his way to pick us up," he said. "Come with me, I'm sure we'll find a way to remedy this..."

        Raze came within fifteen minutes and none too sooner if anyone asked Lucian, who had to make sure Kraven didn't go running around doing something drastic. When Raze go out of the truck, he took one look at Kraven and also laughed.

Lucian shot his second-in-command a stern glare, as he seemed to frighten Kraven even more. They could laugh at this when it was over, but Lucian knew they had to salvage the vibrator, because he also knew how nasty Viktor could get if he didn't get his new toy back. They got into the backseat of the car and Lucian considered possible options to have it removed.

        "I think I know how to fix this..."


        Singe proceeded to stare at the vampire which now lay before him, bent over a chair with his pants down. Groaning, he pulled a plastic glove on and mentally prepared himself.

        "Why must I do this again?"

        Kraven had been forced to wait for over twelve hours until the vibrator had passed through his bowels into his colon. Once it got there, Lucian said, it could be pulled out - rectally. Since this option also scared the wits out of Kraven, Lucian had ordered Raze to keep him still during the procedure. Which meant that Raze had to sit on him, pinning him down with his full body weight. The worst thing was that Raze had been eating buffalo wings earlier.

        Singe watched as Raze sat joyfully atop a squirming and wailing Kraven, and Lucian used both hands to spread Kraven's anus as wide as possible.

        "Alright, Kraven..." the scientist spoke factually. "This might hurt a bit..."

        It was then that the doors burst open to the lab and Pierce came running in.

        "Hey, guys!" He said loudly. "What's going on?"

        "Nothing much, just Kraven has had a mishap with a sex toy," Lucian said with a nonchalant wave of his hand. "We're removing it now. Wanna help? It would be great if you could shut the vampire up somehow."

        Pierce though really hard about how to help until his head began to hurt. Finally, he had a marvelous idea. He proceeded to wave his arms around and gyrate his body in front of Kraven, as though imitating smoke.

        "This is juuuuuust a dreeeeaaammm," he said in a hypnotic voice.

        "No, it's not!" Lucian snapped harshly. "If you can't stay focused, I suggest you leave the room. We must retrieve the object out of Kraven's ass, because if Viktor doesn't get his precious toy back, it will only give him a reason to escalate this whole war-thing. Singe..." He gestured at the scientist that it was time to get to business.

        And so, with a rather discomfited look on his face, and squirming slightly, Singe reached in...

        "Ohhhhh," he moaned disgustedly. "I think he's poo-ing."

        Kraven's eyes flew open in shock when his body was brutally invaded by a huge, latex-covered object which could be none other than Singe's fist. If not a 300-pound Lycan had been sitting on his back, he would have screamed. Then suddenly the initial shock was replaced by a pleasurable sensation, and Kraven found himself wanting more.

        "Oooohhh... harder.. deeper..." he moaned.

        Singe immediately yanked the vibrator out the minute his fingers touched it and he ran around the room, pulling the gloves off and screaming.


        Kraven was wildly disappointed when Singe's fist - together with Viktor's glowing animatronic vibrator - were yanked out of his wanton ass.  Kraven bounced up despite Raze sitting atop him, flew at Singe, and tore the poo-covered glowing object from his hands. Then swallowed it again.

        Lucian felt the prelude of a headache as he watched Raze fall on his head and get immediately knocked out. Pierce stared with his mouth agape and Singe ran from the room, screaming. Lucian began to wonder if they should just send Kraven back to the mansion.

        Kraven immediately regretted the impulse to re-swallow the vibrator. His compulsive tries to gobble it down had it stick in his windpipe instead, and he started choking, his face quickly turning blue.

        "Lucian... help me.....!" he wheezed, panic-stricken. And then he stopped breathing.

        Looking around, Lucian regretfully realized that no one else was there competent enough to do the job, so he got behind Kraven and wrapped his arms around him.

        "Oooh, kinky!" Pierce managed to say, while Lucian glared at him.

        Using all of his strength, the Lycan leader squeezed Kraven's heaving ribcage. The first try was unsuccessful, as the second, but the third... The glowing vibrator flew out of Kraven's mouth like a missile, propelling straight into Pierce's forehead and knocking him out.


About an hour later, Lucian had the vampire (tied up so as not to let him swallow the toy again) back at the Orgodaz. Viktor had been trying to think out all sorts of ingenious plans to get his beloved present back, when the house alarm suddenly went off and the security cameras showed a naked and bound Kraven at the gates... Something long and glowing was sticking out of his rear, and now he was hopping around to the nearest wall, trying to force the toy back in. Thus, Viktor felt the need to promise a favor for Mason to personally go down and retrieve him, vibrator removed from Kraven’s ass, back into the coven headquarters.

        Once inside, Viktor grabbed the vibrator from Mason. While it was his precious glowing vibrator, it no longer looked like it had when he got it. It was covered in something brown and nasty-smelling, and Kraven's stomach acids had also eaten large, nasty holes into it. Overcome with grief, Viktor sat down with his precious gift in his lap.

        "What have I done to deserve this...?" he sighed mournfully.

        While Viktor was mourning the loss of his beloved glowing dildo, Kraven took the opportunity to snatch the toy back. However, before he could swallow it entirely, it shorted out and electrocuted him.

        Viktor was shocked when sparks flew from his glowing vibrator and a smoky Kraven fell to the floor, hair standing up from his head. Staring down at the mess made, Viktor gave a tired sigh and glanced at Mason.

        "At least Lucian left a receipt in the bag."


The End!

Tune in next time for another comedy starring the whacky Underworld gang... and a kangaroo.

Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: "Freak on a Leash," by Korn (with Rammstein)


[User Picture]
Date:April 20th, 2006 12:09 am (UTC)
Oh god! You're both insane! Although, I did snigger somewhat through the entirety of that story, soo... I don't know, I think I may have to plead the fifth on that for a while.
[User Picture]
Date:April 20th, 2006 06:18 pm (UTC)
Oh god! You're both insane!

Thank you very much! :D *insane giggle*
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